Learning to listen and listening to learn

It is so very interesting to me that the events of the past month or so of my life all seem to be coming together with similarities.  Conversations, books read, professional experiences, and personal journey are all coming together to the point that it just makes me stop and say, "Okay Lord...I don't exactly what is going on here, but I'm willing to learn...I'm listening".  I'm not sure what this all means, but in order to learn what is necessary you need to pause and stop long enough to listen.  It cannot be a coincidence that all of these things are happening at the same exact moment in time.

It almost feels like a crossroads to me, a point that I do not want to skip over, a moment in time that I want to pause long enough to catch it all, whatever that may be.  Do you ever get the feeling as if you are on the verge of a breakthrough or something is about to happen, even if you are the only one who sees it or notices it?!  I just get the feeling that I'm at one of those points in time and I feel more than ever that there is something here for me to learn, something big to take away, a new "arm" to my path and journey that maybe I wasn't expecting!!  It's so exciting, scary, and filled with hope and anticipation for all the possibility that may lie ahead!  I don't want to miss anything.  I want to grow, to change, to be challenged (oh no, did I just say that!), to become more than what I dream of for myself, to explore new possibilities.  I may be in my mid-30s but life is just beginning for me.  There is so much of life that I want to experience.

I know with absolute certainty that God ordered my steps for me to be in this place and at this time.  It makes this time in my life that much more special, real, important.  I must and will learn to listen so that I can truly hear and respond.

God, for whatever this means on the journey of life that you are taking me and Grayson, I am listening and waiting.  My heart is full with expectation and anticipation!

Where did that come from?

Have you ever been attacked and wondered why and how and where it came from?  Worst of all ... is it true and founded??  Is that how I am perceived, is that who I really am?!  It's debilitating, it sucks the life out of you, it makes you second guess everything, it makes your mind wander endlessly, it poses so many questions that you may never know the answer to!

But then you have to stop and break it all down.  You need to return to the beginning.  Who am I?  Who did God create me to be?  Am I living in reality?  Do I speak the truth?  Am I real with people or do I have walls up around me?  The answers are I am a child of God, a daughter of the King, a daughter, sister, friend, mother, and servant in the local church.  Those people that know me best can give me the answers I need.  They would all reiterate that I am grounded, that I live and breathe what I believe, that I am genuine (admitting that all days are not good days!), that I am deeply flawed but trying each day to become more like Christ.  I am grounded and rooted deeply in reality, I know no other way to exist!  I only speak the truth or I shut my mouth, and as best as I can, I have and give grace where it is needed.  I also know my limits, my boundaries and when they are being breached.  I know when to leave a situation alone and am still learning to allow God to push me into areas when the "tough" talks need to take place!  I do not put on a mask for people.  I'll be the first to admit I'm having a bad day and those who know me best know that this too shall pass and just let me ride it out!  I'm so OVER sugarcoating things.  It's not real, it's not me, and it's not right!  Truth and reality are always foremost!

Thanks for letting me vent a little and get my thoughts down on "paper"!  I was having a hard time sleeping as my mind was racing.  I pray God will reveal to me anything that I need to claim as my own, any wrong that needs to be made right, and what I just need to let GO!!!!  I know the truth, and not just from my perspective.  I will not let this ruffle my feathers and provide Satan a way to attack me.

Live confidently in reality and trust in who I am in Christ and what He has called me to say and do.  So here's to another day of truth-seeking and being released and set free!

The Real "Jayne"

This is not a new song but a favorite of mine.  A friend from junior high and I were "chatting" on facebook the other day about friendships.  I have had this same conversation many a times with another one of my oldest and dearest friends, Tiffany.  The older I get, the number of people you consider a friend seems to dwindle.

I have struggled, as maybe you have too, of being REAL.  I am guilty of hiding in the shadows, keeping parts of myself a secret from others out of fear.  There are very few people that I would dare say know the real Jayne.  In the last few years, I have begun to realize that God has blessed me with people around me who will still love and accept me, even if they see the real me!  It's crazy to think that at 36, I am more confident and comfortable with who I am and in knowing who that really is than I have ever been before.  There is a peace and calm that comes from knowing that you live inside your real skin at all times.  I was sharing with that facebook friend that being real back in the day was a little easier.  I wasn't jaded and insecure.  To think that at 12 and 13 she saw the real me as opposed to those I called friends in my 20's is kind of hilarious.

I love this song because it talks about how God sees the real me, the one trying to hide, the one who sometimes wears a mask, the one who feels as if everything around might crumble and break.  It humbly asks the Lord to slowly let the mask, the insecurities, the fears come down.  He sees a wonderful, beautiful creation when He looks at us.  He is taking the tattered pieces of our lives and weaving them together into a beautiful tapestry.

Oh God, that I would see me the way You see me!  That I can rest in and have confidence in the woman that You have created.  That I can let my walls down and take the masks off.  That I can continue to live and breathe in my own skin.  That I would stay on a path of acceptance, security, love, peace, and trust in You and the work You are doing in me!  Unveil me completely Lord!

Hannah, Tiffany, Michelle, Amy, and me in Jr High!

Hello Friends!

I wish I could say that I am coming back to the world of blogging, but alas, I cannot make such a promise. I came across my old page and realized that an update was in order.

That song still gets to me, but thankfully is still true, now a year later. God is still shouting out to me, "I loved you then, I love you now, and I'll love you tomorrow. When the world breaks you down, I will give you strength to stand. Look to me, take my hand, and just believe."

Sometimes I can't believe more than a year has passed, other times it feels as if it all came crashing down yesterday, and as in today, the reminders around me are great. I would not wish my life on anyone, but to say that I wish it never happened wouldn't be true. I know that I am not the same woman today, and for that I am grateful. To those of you who have prayed for me, laughed and cried with me, hugged me when there were no words, called to check in, prayed some more, encouraged me, etc., many thanks! God has been truly faithful and by my side, never wavering. I am doing more than existing, I am truly living life to it's fullest. Thus the new title of my blog. I steal away all the precious moments I can out of life and make sure that I don't just steal them but that I am purposeful in creating them for myself and for Grayson.

I still have no idea where God is taking Grayson and I, but I have both of my feet planted firmly on a path and they WILL NOT WAVER!! I stand on the road to freedom, to truth, to love in all it's forms, to commitment, to honesty, to a life well-lived, to financial peace and security. It is definitely a road I never intended to be on, but that is not something I dwell on at all. I MUST LIVE in reality. God blessed me with a wonderful counselor who has brought me to the place where I can actually SEE the reality around me. It terrifies me, thrills me, makes my heart groan in agony, and gives me incredible hope for the things to come!

I am one year into my full-time job in the working world of CHildren's Ministry. This has been an absolute blessing in my life. I see it as God's gift to me during the upheaval in my personal life. The girl who ran from Religion Hall, who did not want to marry anyone going into ministry, the one who felt not worthy, God is giving me exactly what I never wanted and I am learning and growing in ways unimaginable! I love going to work every day. And although it's hard to be a single working mom, my job makes it as easy as possible. Grayson loves coming to work with me and is learning at such a young impresionable age what ministry and service in the church looks like. He is learning to BE the church NOW!

Hopefully I won't wait a year until posting again, but until that time, blessings to you my friends in blogger-land. May you see God's hand in your lives and expereince His touch daily!

Love and Prayers,
Jayne

Vacation in the Burg

I took some much needed days off and Grayson and I went to spend time with our family in the Burg! I know, we live at the Beach, and vacationed in the Burg. But where family is, there is great relaxation to be had by all! Grayson has become an a great swimmer, almost out of the blue. Just like last summer he was worried about jumping off of the diving board, but this summer he accomplished it without plugging a nose, goggles, or swimmies!!

Love the way the fabulous camera captures all of it's stages!

Loved You Then

It's probably no surprise to anyone that knows me that music can get to me like no other. When I'm happy, I whistle or sing a tune. When I'm sad, I like to listen to worship music, classical, or some "fun" music. I love to be in the car by myself, on a roadtrip, windows down and sunroof open, music blaring so loud that it drowns out the wind and me as I sing at the top of my lungs. I have songs that mark certain times in my life or songs that remind me of certain people. And in church on Sunday, I am easily brought into the presence of God by good worship!!


One of my new favorite groups is 33 Miles. They are a Christian group, but have that country-ish sound. I call them my Christian Rascal Flatts. Anyways, my new song you're listening to is from them. I think it's on their second album. As I listened to this song for the first time, it was through many tears streaming down my cheeks. Even now, hearing it for the umpteenth time, the message of the song gets to me. Every person can use the message of this song, maybe not right now, but look out! As a Christian we are not promised a perfect life and mine is far from that right now! But what God does promise each of us is that as the struggles and pain comes our way, He promises to be there right beside us guiding, leading, loving, surprising us with His peace and presence. As I listen to the chorus, I imagine that God is speaking directly to me and I imagine that these are words that He would be speaking into my life right now. Do you hear Him talking to you today? Even if you need a quick reminder, He's talking to you and saying... "I loved you then, I love you now, I will love tomorrow. When this world breaks you down, I will give you strength to stand. Look to Me, take My hand and just believe...before this day ever began, I loved you then!!"

God, on this journey of life, thank you for giving me reminders like this that constantly play in my mind and heart. I am ever surrounded by Your promises and grateful that the God of my childhood and early beliefs is that same God that is here with me in my mid-30's. It's even better though because I do have the pain and struggles and storms of life that have come my way that deepen my faith, give me a new glimpse into who You are, and allow me to appreciate the way You love, the way You protect and care for, and the way You're always on my side and in my corner, fighting for me and over me. Oh that I may continue to be reminded and show others that You are the reason for strength and grace and peace and quiet calm. I am ever grateful for Your reminders of love that come in all forms!! I am looking, I am taking that hand and grasping on for dear life, and I believe that what one of my favorite worship songs says is true: You are God and You are good. (And for you LU people let me hear you...God is good-all the time-and all the time-God is good!!)

Yes, Again!!

We are Busch Gardens fiends, and definitely in these pre-season quiet days before the craziness begins. They are only open on the weekends right now so I had planned to take Grayson up there as soon as school got out. With him being my only child and a five-year old non-napper at that, it's easy to pick up and go on my own. We ate lunch in the car on the way, stoppd by the outlets to get some church sandals for the summer and off we went. I thought we would only stay for a few hours, but we called Daddy to tell him we were having too much fun and we were going to stay until closing!!

The first thing we always do is ride the train, but today we had one mission in mind...to ride the Alpine Express roller coaster with Grover. Grayson was scared as he always is doing something new, to the point that we almost got out of line. We hunkered down for our ride and awaited the green light. I must admit that I even had the butterflies of anticipation!! It was an absolute blast! Grayson made sure I held on tight down the first hill, but after that, he said to let go and we giggled for the whole 30 seconds that the ride lasted!!! We proceeded to get back in line, and because it wasn't busy, we literally rode 5 times in a row. WHEW!!

We left from there to go to Oscar's Whirly Worm ride. I knew just by looking at it that it was going to do me in, but I rode once anyways because it was Grayson's first time. Yeah, I almost lost lunch and dealt with the woozy head for a while afterwards. Grayson had so much fun though that he rode by himself 3 more times, every time sitting with someone new and talking to them and laughing the whole time!! Does that sound at all like our Grayson?! Not until preschool and another year got hold of him. He has grown so much in this last year, but that's for another posting.

He said no way to the King Elmo free-drop ride, which I was totally okay with passing by!! We did all of our other usual favorites and then sat down to BBQ over by the Griffon. We finished our day riding the train circuit around 2 times. As we were heading out he asked if there was time to do the roller coaster again, and there was so off we went. There was no line at all so we rode once and then he asked to ride all by himself!! I wasn't sure how he would do, but I proudly waited on the wrong side of the fence as he went in all by himself, waited in line all by himself, chose his seat all by himself, buckled in all by himself, and smiled so big the camera forgot to capture the moment!! (Am I sounding like a broken Mercer Mayer book?!) And yes, he rode all by himself...5 times in a row!!! He even had the privelege of being the last ride for the day, which of course meant they all got to stay on for one last, last ride!!

What a day, and we just might do it again this Friday as soon as school is out!!

"T" Party

Grayson studied the letter "t" last week in school. Along with reading Miss Spider's Tea Party, they planned to actually have a "t" or tea party at school on Friday. We were all asked to bring in bite-sized food/snacks perfectly fit for a tea party, the children were asked to wear their Sunday best clothes, and each child was to bring a tea cup from home.

I made cute little sandwiches (peanut butter and jelly and turkey and cheese) cut into small squares and triangle wedges, I let Grayson choose one of my "special" tea cups, and we laid out his Sunday clothes even though he would have to wear tennis shoes as he also had PE on Friday!!

It was the cutest thing ever!! I popped in to take some pictures and it was quite a sight. The little girls all had on costume jewelry, well the boys did too!! Grayson was one of the only ones whose parent was brave enough to actually send in a real tea cup!!

What a great time!! He still talks about it and prays to thank God for his special "T" party!!

Almost Here!!

The weather here has been beautiful lately. Not incredibly warm, but warm enough to say let's get outside and play!! Last Saturday was one of those days where it was a spontaneous day to say, the sun is out, we have nothing better to do, so let's go dig in the sand. Grayson and I packed up and headed to our favorite out-of-the-way beach spot (thanks Sue!!). We love it there. It's not crowded at all, there's always a close spot to park with immediate beach access, you get all the comforts of the oceanfront with none of the crowds and the "scary" waves as Grayson would say.

We began by being gardeners. We dug 2 holes and "planted" trees. Our trees were twigs gratefully left by the neighbors who were just raking out their yard!! We then built a sandcastle together...my favorite thing to do at the beach! Grayson drove his dump truck around a little bit. And then we dug holes with our 2 good shovels. We didn't dig to CHina but it was enough for Grayson to sit in at least. I promised a body-sized hole when the warmer weather arrived and we catually got in the water.

YES, he doesn't exactly have the shovelling down to an exact science...he had sand all in his hair!!

We finished our day with snacks and a walk to collect some seashells. What a perfect day, and the best part is he slept really great that night!!

Playdates Days

While Katy was out of town with the other 2 kiddos, Josiah spent the 2 afternoons with us.  What a great time the two boys had together.  Grayson has not had so much playtime with someone before!!  He was so excited I think he overwhelmed Josiah at times.  He wanted to show Josiah everything and play everything.  He had quite a list and didn't quite understand when Josiah wanted to do something different than him.  It was a great day of learning for Grayson as I am his only playmate and I am really flexible and do whatever Grayson wants to do.  He learned a lot about compromise, following through, not quitting, keeping his emotions at bay, etc.  It was hard for me downstairs or down the hall to not intervene, but the boys worked it out themselves, most of the time!!  It's funny to hear 2 firstborn children interact!! Grayson and I had some good discussions about appropriate behaviors and attitudes and what it means to have a guest over and be a friend and put someone else before yourself.  I am proud of my little guy as this is kinda new territory for him.  Here are some pictures from their day together...  And wouldn't you know, as soon as Josiah arrived a train decided to come barreling down the tracks right outside Grayson's room!!

Busy Saturday

So yes, they are still out of order, but here are the pictures of our lovely Saturday.  Trevor's parents stayed over from Grandparents Day so we were all busy.  Trevor surprised us by going to get a trampoline for Grayson and finally picked up our Christmas gifts to ourselves, our new bikes!!  We had a great time outside jumping, riding, and cleaning out the garage!!  What an unbelievable help they were to us.  As you can see, even Grandma was convinced to jump with Grayson for a little while.

And YES, mine's the one with the wire basket on the front!  Even a bell too!!!

Christmas in February

I knew that one of our favorite things about moving into the new house was Grayson getting to rediscover toys that we had had packed for about 2 months!!  Well, these were toys that he had gotten for Christmas and never got to experience.  He loves his Smart Cycle.  He loves to pedal to play games and collect letters and numbers, and he learning all about the joystick and is having fun with this.  Thanks Grandpa and Gran!!

Grayson also got this adventurers kit equipped with a tent, sleeping bag, and flashlight!  He loves camping out!  Now he's ready to camp again for real.  We have done everything from reading, playing games to having snack time in the tent.  Thanks Papa and Grandma!!

Sleepyhead

You know the phrase, "Never wake a sleeping baby!"  Well, in my opinion that applies to an almost 5-year old too.  This was the scene the morning after Daylight Spring forward.  A full weekend of 4 grandparents and beautiful weather.  What mother wouldn't let this precious thing sleep in?  After all it is just preschool!!  It was 8:00 when I took this picture and school is supposed to start at 8:30.  Trevor brought him in and they arrived at 9:45!  Nothing like making a grand appearance!!

Assembly

Yes, it took a little while, and I was definitely over going to the garage for the fridge, but I love my new fridge.  It was one of the "only me" decisions in the new place.  I love love my new fridge and it is finally starting to look full with several trips to the grocery store and left-over containers!  Trevor and Grayson assembled it on a Saturday morning as I prepared breakfast.

Dinner and Wii

Until I can get back to the Apple Store to get this laptop all figured out, my pictures will have to remain as they are put in.  Anyways, we had our first dinner guests this past week.  It was grandparents day at Grayson's school and so all 4 of them were here in town for the festivities.  Our dining table was all put together and 7 of the 8 chairs are here, so for the first time since Trevor and I have been married, we had that many people around one table with matching chairs!!  What a tremendous blessing!  As you probably see, we have no curtains, there is still moulding laying on the floor, and there is no chandelier to light our dinner.  Good thing we ate early!!  It was marvelous just the same.  

And what better way to end dinner than to pull out the Wii and burn some of it off.  My parents had already headed back to their hotel down at the Oceanfront, but Trevor's parents christened the Wii with us!!  I bought it for Trevor for Christmas, but with the move it was still in the original packaging.  As many of you know because you have one, this is an amazing way to be together and have fun!!  Puts a new spin on Game Night!!  

Chalk Art

Recently, we had some pretty cold days and we were going a little stir crazy!  It was just that, crazy, the idea that Grayson had.  He had found some sidewalk chalk amongst his newly found toys and wanted to go outside to color.  We bundled up as you can see and went out.  We didn't last long, but we had a blast together.  We created stick figures of ourselves, Grayson traced me and I traced him.  Grayson then informed we that we had to draw in our bones, as you can see in the one picture.  It was bitter cold and we didn't last long, but it was fun.  We were so dirty from laying down that our clothes and coats had to go right into the laundry, but of course, we did it right away upstairs, and they were all clean and ready for the next day!

FINALLY!!!!

So after 2 hours trying to figure it all out on this laptop, I am finally able to get some pictures off my new camera and "color" up some posts!  Yeah!!

This is one I took of Grayson before we moved into our new house, on a day that we stopped by so he could take his fire truck out for  a spin.

Pure Bliss??!!

I have just officially completed 22 loads of laundry in 2 days!!!!  Thankfully that breaks down to 11 regular loads seeing as my washer holds double the capacity, but still 11 nonetheless.  And it has all been done with a smile on my face ... in the comforts of my own home.  Oh the absolute pleasure to fold clothes that have come straight out of the dryer in my own Master Suite as I watch a favorite "oldie" movie on the TV!!  And the other awesome thing is that I didn't realize that clothes could smell so good!!!!!!!  No more burnt smelling-way too hot-smelling like someone else's laundry detergent clothes!!!!  That is what I call a little bit of pure bliss!!

NOT ME Monday

Hello friends and family!  I am dying to share some of the amazing before and after pics, or as I say the before and transitional pictures.  The final touches won't arrive until mid-March!!  Until we unpack the computer and I can access my picture files again, this simple entry on the laptop will have to do.  It's that time and although I have a million other things to be doing and writing about, here goes some things about the last hectic and exciting week, and as you will see still very interesting...

NOT ME!!!!!!

---I am not sitting here in the Living Room staring at my professional grade, 6-burner stove and dreaming of the day when I can actually cook in and on it!!  It's literally in the middle of my floor, awaiting installation on Wednesday.

---I am not complaining about the fact that after 2 weeks, I am soooooo over eating out!!

---I am not tired of going out into my garage every time I need something out of the fridge.  Do you realize how much you go into that crazy thing in one day, especially when you are trying to drink more water??

---I didn't really have to go the laundry-mat AGAIN this past week even though I received the best Valentine's gift ever (a commercial size, front loading, way too technical washer and dryer!!)

---I am not complaining about being short until I stand in my new kitchen and realize that to access almost all of the cabinets I need a step stool!  (Boy is it gorgeous though!)

---I am not tired of only having a love seat in our living room (although I should be grateful as it forces Trevor and I closer together!!)

---I did not go out to eat at nicer restaurants this past week in a ballcap, no make-up, and "leisure" clothes!!

---I did not tell Grayson to have "quiet" feet this past week because I was going through a little withdrawl having to let that phrase go out of my vocabulary!!  (JK-I started to tell him only to realize he can be as loud as he wants, there's no one downstairs who'll be banging back at him!!)

---I did not enjoy Valentine's dinner with my 2 boys at Buffalo Wild Wings!!!!  (Yes, I'm serious.  Grayson's fever broke and he was starving and requested this!!)

Thank you Lord for an amazing week, and although we missed many of the big events of the week and weekend, we are all 3 enjoying life, sort of.  Grayson has had a little of the flu funk and Trevor caught something today.  I have been totally fine as are my mom and sister who were here to help last week.  Grayson's fever came and went and returned, so he'll miss another day of school tomorrow!  Keeps me home from "the Office", but getting the house in order quicker!!  Can't wait to hug ya'll and catch up a little Wednesday morning or later on this week!!

YES ME !!!!!

As opposed to my usual NOT ME Monday post, I will make one final posting from my old home. Tomorrow morning is the big day. It has finally arrived, and when I say finally, I say that with pure elation. Our original moving date was December 15, so needless to say it has been a very long almost 2 months!! At 8:30 tomorrow morning, our lives that have been packed up will be transferred to our new home, and this time tomorrow night, I'll be putting sheets and towels into our new bedrooms and bathrooms (notice the plural endings on both those words!!) Oh the work ahead!! I am so glad that my Mom was here this past week to help me pack up the last tidbits as well as keep Grayson company whilst I slaved away. The packing process seems to be a never-ending one, as Trevor and I will not get much sleep tonight just putting the "last-minute" stuff into boxes. At last count I had close to 100 boxes, not to mention the suitcases full of our clothes. I am so glad that we are being moved by a company.

Oh I could go on and on, but will save some of my "grateful" teary moments and my before and after photos for another post another day. My Mom is coming back with my sister to help unpack later this week, so I won't be checking back in for a while. Besides that, I haven't set up internet service at the new address yet!! So good-bye Cedar Road, and welcome to the "Sweet" life!! WAHOO!!!!!!!!!