Learning to listen and listening to learn

It is so very interesting to me that the events of the past month or so of my life all seem to be coming together with similarities.  Conversations, books read, professional experiences, and personal journey are all coming together to the point that it just makes me stop and say, "Okay Lord...I don't exactly what is going on here, but I'm willing to learn...I'm listening".  I'm not sure what this all means, but in order to learn what is necessary you need to pause and stop long enough to listen.  It cannot be a coincidence that all of these things are happening at the same exact moment in time.

It almost feels like a crossroads to me, a point that I do not want to skip over, a moment in time that I want to pause long enough to catch it all, whatever that may be.  Do you ever get the feeling as if you are on the verge of a breakthrough or something is about to happen, even if you are the only one who sees it or notices it?!  I just get the feeling that I'm at one of those points in time and I feel more than ever that there is something here for me to learn, something big to take away, a new "arm" to my path and journey that maybe I wasn't expecting!!  It's so exciting, scary, and filled with hope and anticipation for all the possibility that may lie ahead!  I don't want to miss anything.  I want to grow, to change, to be challenged (oh no, did I just say that!), to become more than what I dream of for myself, to explore new possibilities.  I may be in my mid-30s but life is just beginning for me.  There is so much of life that I want to experience.

I know with absolute certainty that God ordered my steps for me to be in this place and at this time.  It makes this time in my life that much more special, real, important.  I must and will learn to listen so that I can truly hear and respond.

God, for whatever this means on the journey of life that you are taking me and Grayson, I am listening and waiting.  My heart is full with expectation and anticipation!

Where did that come from?

Have you ever been attacked and wondered why and how and where it came from?  Worst of all ... is it true and founded??  Is that how I am perceived, is that who I really am?!  It's debilitating, it sucks the life out of you, it makes you second guess everything, it makes your mind wander endlessly, it poses so many questions that you may never know the answer to!

But then you have to stop and break it all down.  You need to return to the beginning.  Who am I?  Who did God create me to be?  Am I living in reality?  Do I speak the truth?  Am I real with people or do I have walls up around me?  The answers are I am a child of God, a daughter of the King, a daughter, sister, friend, mother, and servant in the local church.  Those people that know me best can give me the answers I need.  They would all reiterate that I am grounded, that I live and breathe what I believe, that I am genuine (admitting that all days are not good days!), that I am deeply flawed but trying each day to become more like Christ.  I am grounded and rooted deeply in reality, I know no other way to exist!  I only speak the truth or I shut my mouth, and as best as I can, I have and give grace where it is needed.  I also know my limits, my boundaries and when they are being breached.  I know when to leave a situation alone and am still learning to allow God to push me into areas when the "tough" talks need to take place!  I do not put on a mask for people.  I'll be the first to admit I'm having a bad day and those who know me best know that this too shall pass and just let me ride it out!  I'm so OVER sugarcoating things.  It's not real, it's not me, and it's not right!  Truth and reality are always foremost!

Thanks for letting me vent a little and get my thoughts down on "paper"!  I was having a hard time sleeping as my mind was racing.  I pray God will reveal to me anything that I need to claim as my own, any wrong that needs to be made right, and what I just need to let GO!!!!  I know the truth, and not just from my perspective.  I will not let this ruffle my feathers and provide Satan a way to attack me.

Live confidently in reality and trust in who I am in Christ and what He has called me to say and do.  So here's to another day of truth-seeking and being released and set free!

The Real "Jayne"

This is not a new song but a favorite of mine.  A friend from junior high and I were "chatting" on facebook the other day about friendships.  I have had this same conversation many a times with another one of my oldest and dearest friends, Tiffany.  The older I get, the number of people you consider a friend seems to dwindle.

I have struggled, as maybe you have too, of being REAL.  I am guilty of hiding in the shadows, keeping parts of myself a secret from others out of fear.  There are very few people that I would dare say know the real Jayne.  In the last few years, I have begun to realize that God has blessed me with people around me who will still love and accept me, even if they see the real me!  It's crazy to think that at 36, I am more confident and comfortable with who I am and in knowing who that really is than I have ever been before.  There is a peace and calm that comes from knowing that you live inside your real skin at all times.  I was sharing with that facebook friend that being real back in the day was a little easier.  I wasn't jaded and insecure.  To think that at 12 and 13 she saw the real me as opposed to those I called friends in my 20's is kind of hilarious.

I love this song because it talks about how God sees the real me, the one trying to hide, the one who sometimes wears a mask, the one who feels as if everything around might crumble and break.  It humbly asks the Lord to slowly let the mask, the insecurities, the fears come down.  He sees a wonderful, beautiful creation when He looks at us.  He is taking the tattered pieces of our lives and weaving them together into a beautiful tapestry.

Oh God, that I would see me the way You see me!  That I can rest in and have confidence in the woman that You have created.  That I can let my walls down and take the masks off.  That I can continue to live and breathe in my own skin.  That I would stay on a path of acceptance, security, love, peace, and trust in You and the work You are doing in me!  Unveil me completely Lord!

Hannah, Tiffany, Michelle, Amy, and me in Jr High!

Hello Friends!

I wish I could say that I am coming back to the world of blogging, but alas, I cannot make such a promise. I came across my old page and realized that an update was in order.

That song still gets to me, but thankfully is still true, now a year later. God is still shouting out to me, "I loved you then, I love you now, and I'll love you tomorrow. When the world breaks you down, I will give you strength to stand. Look to me, take my hand, and just believe."

Sometimes I can't believe more than a year has passed, other times it feels as if it all came crashing down yesterday, and as in today, the reminders around me are great. I would not wish my life on anyone, but to say that I wish it never happened wouldn't be true. I know that I am not the same woman today, and for that I am grateful. To those of you who have prayed for me, laughed and cried with me, hugged me when there were no words, called to check in, prayed some more, encouraged me, etc., many thanks! God has been truly faithful and by my side, never wavering. I am doing more than existing, I am truly living life to it's fullest. Thus the new title of my blog. I steal away all the precious moments I can out of life and make sure that I don't just steal them but that I am purposeful in creating them for myself and for Grayson.

I still have no idea where God is taking Grayson and I, but I have both of my feet planted firmly on a path and they WILL NOT WAVER!! I stand on the road to freedom, to truth, to love in all it's forms, to commitment, to honesty, to a life well-lived, to financial peace and security. It is definitely a road I never intended to be on, but that is not something I dwell on at all. I MUST LIVE in reality. God blessed me with a wonderful counselor who has brought me to the place where I can actually SEE the reality around me. It terrifies me, thrills me, makes my heart groan in agony, and gives me incredible hope for the things to come!

I am one year into my full-time job in the working world of CHildren's Ministry. This has been an absolute blessing in my life. I see it as God's gift to me during the upheaval in my personal life. The girl who ran from Religion Hall, who did not want to marry anyone going into ministry, the one who felt not worthy, God is giving me exactly what I never wanted and I am learning and growing in ways unimaginable! I love going to work every day. And although it's hard to be a single working mom, my job makes it as easy as possible. Grayson loves coming to work with me and is learning at such a young impresionable age what ministry and service in the church looks like. He is learning to BE the church NOW!

Hopefully I won't wait a year until posting again, but until that time, blessings to you my friends in blogger-land. May you see God's hand in your lives and expereince His touch daily!

Love and Prayers,
Jayne

Vacation in the Burg

I took some much needed days off and Grayson and I went to spend time with our family in the Burg! I know, we live at the Beach, and vacationed in the Burg. But where family is, there is great relaxation to be had by all! Grayson has become an a great swimmer, almost out of the blue. Just like last summer he was worried about jumping off of the diving board, but this summer he accomplished it without plugging a nose, goggles, or swimmies!!

Love the way the fabulous camera captures all of it's stages!